I'm a doctor, not a typist, Jim!

Mechanical keyboards are pretty cool. Yes, I know that all keyboards are technically mechanical, but these ones are MORE mechanical. More moving parts! More springs! Levers! Pulleys! Inclined planes! We won't be happy until the entire 2015 Annotated Simple Machines Visual Encyclopedia (now on BD-ROM and double-density floppies) is involved in the simple act of typing a combination ransom/suicide note (nothing complicated like a tweet or email to your boss). Personally, I'm literally quaking with excitement with the possibilities the future holds for super-mechanical keyboards (more mechanical than mechanical!), quantum mechanical keyboards (also cures bad auras! it's made with crystals! aliens talk to me!), and retromechanical keyboards (injection-molded plastic and membrane switches! Like they did in 1999! Sweet rig bro! Does that thing have SVGA?)

Three years ago, I couldn't even type. The concept of putting all ten of my dumb gobbly skeletal local maximas on the keyboard and somehow conducting them into a symphony of trolling was laughable to me. Phasmatis de Apparatus 10 years ago hunted-and-pecked, Phasmatis de Apparatus 9.5 years ago hunted-and-pecked, and by Buddha if it was good enough for them, who am I to throw away that time-honored tradition? My foreselves created this selfnation, under self, and I'm going to continue flailing my punchfists at this computer device in the manner that they set forth. Little did I know that I was typing with four fingers like some kind of early primordial luddite ("Mammals with more than 4 fingers are just a fad. Hey, guys? We should go back into the ocean. Breathing air just isn't right!")

Now, I have a keyboard with mechanical, clackey, keys. Clacks as loud as a supernova in a barometric chamber. Jarring break points that send longitudinal waves up my fingers and cause me to fly back in my seat. I need side-impact airbags just to type. I can't tell you how productive my typing is now that I spend most of my time typing being thrown around by the force of the keys like I'm captain kirk within 10 parsecs of a klingon wessel.